It's driving me mute crazy at 3in the morning.

I just had to do something, else I'd lose my mind.

(That is , If I haven't lost it yet moments before this)

An inch, maybe two?

But,

maybe the torture is enough.

Maybe, it is the right way.

The easy way.

At least with the torture, I can keep it the same way.

Without the complications.

Stillness kept sacred for everyone's sake.

Is it?

I drank way to much beer last night, late on after I locked up the pub. Today I suffer for this once more, not quite hungover just in between, and there we go again that word in-between.

Everything at the moment is in-between. My relationship is in-between, sort of friends, sort of relationship, Abigail goes to university on Sunday at which point the choice slips, and I have to let her go from any emotional tie to me. So we are in-between. The stupid thing here is that I knew I should have stopped this, I knew I should never have got involved, and now I know that her going is going to hurt me, though I will never show it.

I never let anyone get under my skin, I never let anyone see me, yet with Abigail, it has all been different, she was a friend, the bond I guess just grew. To be fair she is one of the most amazing people I have met, it is her deep depths, her nice nature,  the way she cares and loves, the way she held herself together through an impossible nightmare, the way she could never stand and see anyone hurt, and the fact I don't think she could ever be mean or nasty.

Out of the people I have met on this so called journey of life, that I lead, Abigail shines and stands strong by far, she is a rare gem, though she See's this not, a diamond that still sees herself as coal, even if I sat and proved to her that she was a diamond, she would much prefer to be coal, that is the beauty of her, of who she is, a whole and complete person. Much better and higher on life's rainbow, than I am or could ever hope to be.

I know now that it will bother me when she is gone, not that I will ever say, its a conversation that I can not have with her, primarily as she needs to go and have no ties to me. I always thought I was immune to any concept of emotion. She leaves on Sunday and as suddenly as our relationship began, it so to will end. I have thought about ways to keep things afloat, but that is pure selfishness on my part, satisfying my own need to be in her arms, as oppose to what is best for her.

When all logic dictates, despite my burning need to run to Spain, those quite times at home alone were where I wanted to run to Abigail, the special stolen moments we spent together, despite my fear of the inevitable. The fear of being burnt. She must go and needs to be free to enjoy and experience university and the 15 miles between us may as well be a whole continent. She needs to fulfil the potential that after time has driven her back to study, that unique aspect of university life, free. Because I care so much I must let her slip away now, with out over complicating things for her.

The irony lays in the fact it was I that wanted to run, yet it is her that goes!

Trying to clear my head, sort out the dead wood and work out exactly what I am doing here. I know after Sunday that things between Abi and I will never be the same again, and that at some point I will have to see her come to the pub with a new guy in toll, and just can only hope that she is happy. For me I must return back to the darkness that consumes my world and decide what it is I need to do.

I know now that I can not carry on living as I am, and do not want to slide back into the isolation of me, having stepped out of that for a while. I also know that to find happiness I have to find peace with in me, the answers don't lay in the bottom of another bottle of Smirnoff and numerous cigarette's.

The problem I have is embracing me and then placing that back into the context of life, and that I fear is far to much for me to handle. I could head of over to Spain, but I take myself with me, I could move away, but still I come with me, I cant run from me. The gift that Abigail bestowed upon me is the realisation that I just cant run anymore. That I can not place a round peg in a square hole and expect it to fit, it just does not.

Now I am left with pieces and the shadows that are me in a world where nothing fits. I think I already know the answer to the riddle that is my life, but I think the enormity of the task I now face is far to much, and the prospect now of stepping back to where I was is no longer an option.

The only door I find logical is the one with the exit sign.

this heart that broke is all for you.
these words I've spoke are all for you.
it's my soul for your perusal,
my reply for your refusal.

reunions and well-deserved love
must all come to a crashing halt;
they always do.
hear my unspoken grief,
my heart's lament.
this place can't hold me much longer,
and neither can your arms,
even though leaving you here
shreds the last bit of decency I've left to offer.

I lay before you a mistake I'm sure I've made again.

unrelated, but still a foolish outpouring:

If I were to know untamed, unrestricted love, would my fragile heart be able to survive its pressure? If I survived you once, can I once again or was it luck the first time around?

in some diluted sense
I wish you were here,
if only to feel the air
charged like it was,
to feel my skin
crawl once more.

but we all come to the
bitter conclusion that
what's past is gone.
what's of you is now
an oldie but goodie,
a station I only tune into
when I get those unshakable blues.

my heart's being pushed
into my throat,
beating so loud I can't
hear my own thoughts.

I can't trust my feet,
they'll only lead to you.

every waking moment,
every technicolor dream--
you're in my blood
and I just can't get you out.

love is this crazy thing,
it keeps haunting me--
leaving me sleepless and scared.

- Ronald James -

At this point in my life I feel as though I'm completely riding the line. I'm in the land of In-between. I've graduated high school, but not in college yet. I'm almost an adult, but not quite there. I've got an incredible job with Revolve, but haven't started yet. I'm living at home, but when my job starts I'll only be here three days a week. Its just this awkward place in life where everything is almost here but not quite. 

Lately I've been asking myself the question, "What kind of spiritual lesson am I'm supposed to be learning through all of this?" And I hadn't realized what it was until I was talking with a good friend Amy. She said it plain and simple, "He's asking you to give up control and trust Him." When she said it to me in just 10 simple words, it hit me: He is asking me to do the very thing that I have been telling Him I was so scared of doing and haven't done 100%. I realized how much of my life I have said the same thing over and over to Him, "Alright God, its all yours. Take all of my life into your hands. Do what you will. I trust you. I give it ALL to you." Three days later, I realize that nothing major has happened and tell Him, "Ok God, I know that you are still working on all of this, and probably still taking some time to plan my life out, so while your doing that, let me just take this BIG LITTLE thing over here and I'll handle it myself." To which He responds, "But I thought you were giving it ALL to me, Marissa? I'll let you take what you want and then once it doesn't turn out the way you had planned, I'll still be here, ready and willing to take it upon myself to work out." 

All of my life I have done this. Whether it be taking financial issues or relationship issues into hand, I tend to do this with God. I fake Him into thinking He's getting all of me, when in reality I know that I'm not willing to give it all to Him. But who knew! He's smarter than that, but still just as loving and accepting. 

I went to a small group for a church I am starting to go to, Grace Chapel, and the leader talked a lot about how we make 'idols' out of things in our life, putting them before God and trying our hardest to deal with them ourselves. At the end he posed a question, "What are your idols that you are taking 'control' of and placing before Him?" I realized how much I was putting before him and trying to 'take control' over. 

This week especially I have realized that God is showing me the ares of my life that I need to start working through in order to fully let Him live in me. I heard this many MANY times. When we open the door for Christ to live in and through us (not just with us) He starts shining lights on the areas of our lives that need to be changed and/or let go of (i.e. what we need to give up). So obviously the things that He is shining lights on are my control and trust issues. What am I not willing to give up? What am I trying to control? What am I doing my way?

Bottom line: What am I not trusting HIM with?

So my question to you is, what are you not willing to give up? What are you holding captive because you think you can do it better than He can? What are not trusting Him with?

On a side note, check this video out. My dad showed it to me and I thought it was pretty incredible/creative! Or watch it here for a clearer picture. The song is "Again and Again" by Bird and the Bee.

[audio http://www.filefreak.com/pfiles/68812/rhymefest-in_between-beatsandbombs.mp3]

Here is Rhymefest's new joint called "In Between" off of his new album El Che. This dude is one hell of a performer and I can't wait to see what he does with Mark Ronson now that he is on his label. All their music should be dope as hell. I'm sure Wale will be thrown on some tracks too so that gets me geeked. Let me know what you think.